People think I’m a ho. I don’t think so. I may have some ho-like tendencies. Sure, I may have had sex with multiple people back to back to back and didn’t let any of the others know. Sure, I may have dated multiple guys at once and led them all to believe that I was their one and only. I may get more dick than Blanche Devereaux. I may be a heartbreaker. But I’m not a ho. I just have emotional ADD.

I am fresh off a breakup. He broke up with me because he read me as a ho. Now, normally that’s a perfectly good reason to break up with someone. Relationships usually mean one can’t ho around. To be a ho means to reject the boundaries of a relationship. But what if you’re a ho and don’t even realize it? Is it possible to be an invisible ho, like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Ho? Is it possible to subconsciously ooze a sense of sexuality and be completely unaware of that? Is that a pheromone that can be turned off or is that person damned to forever be seen as a ho? Or is it entirely in my head, and I’m dealing with a bunch of haters? I’m inclined to believe the latter most of the time.

In all honesty, I fell into a habit. After years of being single, I grew accustomed to certain behaviors that were hard to break. And I’m not talking a crystal meth habit or anything like that. It was more of a routine, like taking a shower every morning. And when you’re confronted with the notion that its best to shower at night because it gives you more time in the morning to get ready for work, well, it can be difficult to change. And that’s what I’m confronted with at the moment. I lost someone I truly cared about because I couldn’t adjust to showering at night. He was everything I could have wanted in someone, but I blew it entirely. All because I couldn’t take a damn shower at night instead of in the morning (though in all truth, I do prefer to shower at night).

After the breakup, I almost bought into the idea that I truly was a ho. But I have enough sense to recognize that we, as people, can be different and have different experiences. We, as people, operate on different wavelengths. And for some of us, that’s really hard to understand. In my case, my ex was operating on the gamma wave and got upset that I wasn’t, so he turned all HULK SMASH on me. Folks like to put others on the same wavelengths as them, especially if they are in the same peer group. If you’re a twenty-something and all of your friends and exes share similar experiences, why would you not expect everyone else in the same grouping to behave the same? That was our conflict. I don’t travel to the same drum because I lived a different experience. It colored me. I operate on a wavelength, and it’s one that some can’t see. It’s something learned, an experience.

So where does this leave me? Well, I’m single in New York City. I could cry and eat Ho-Hos and Häagen-Dazs until I take up more than two seats on the A line. Or I could just continue to be me, growing and experiencing the world. Or both really. I do love me some Häagen-Dazs, minus the multiple seats, though. No disrespect to my plus sized friends, but that is NOT a wavelength I’m trying to hop on in the near future. But now that I’m single, this is a new opportunity for me to figure out who I am and straddle that line, among other things. No, I’m not a ho. I’m just learning.

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